non sum qualis eram

Only the very observant will notice that I changed the title of my blog. I did not do so lightly. I don't do anything lightly, I think. It was only a slight change, but it means a lot to me.

I've probably deleted several lines of text, and here I am back at the beginning. It is in these moments, when I feel but cannot articulate, that I have the most trouble.

I enjoy photography. But it is a mixed pleasure for me. I've made some excellent photos in the recent years, but I have difficulty enjoying them as much as the random observer might enjoy them. You would think that my mental attachments to the photos through the experience of their creation would render me more able to appreciate them and take pleasure in my accomplishment. But sometimes it is quite the opposite. When I look at a photo from a year ago, I remember who I was, and I'd rather be who I am now. It's like the past comes to haunt me through the photographic preservation of things as they used to be, and it makes me feel awful at times. On the other hand, though I prefer the present me very much over the past one, perhaps what causes me so much distress is my own recognition of my present flaws and sorrows in memories past. Maybe it's that I see too much of the present me in the past. Who really knows? I don't seem to. I was a good person, by the way, but this much has to do with states of mind.

This photo example is just that: an example. The same principle applies to every aspect of existence, including my blog title. Whereas it was once "brilliantism", it is now "brilliance". The tism was an index to an inferior me, and conjured up emotions that I would prefer be kept at bay. It represented an immature, arrogant, elitist, self-proclaimed intellectual attitude that I once possessed. But I have now forsaken that (don't tell me I'm wrong on that). The more I write, the more I realize that I don't know much of anything. I read my thoughts from months past and lament my ignorance and the hollow gravity of my own words. Thus, the change in the title of my blog is a rejection of the past.

However, I am not compelled to reject it altogether. If we don't learn from history, then we are doomed to repeat it. Yet I do not reject my history's lessons, nor do I reject the happy threads that weave through the fabric of the whole. All experience is to be learned from, in order to live better today.

I thank my God that he has filled my heart with a desire to live for today and tomorrow. No matter what worry or deprivation of heart, mind or body, he will aid and assist us. He is the only sure foundation, yet oh how often we build upon another. Whatever the circumstance, we needn't change the extent of our diligence and faith. To act, and not to be acted upon by the elements and evils of this world: that is the goal, is it not? To be constant in Christ, even as he is constant in all things: our faith should not be function of what happens to us. That is true strength, the only lasting strength. Righteousness is the ultimate liberty. Anything against it is slavery.

And life is always better than we think it is.